How the Kohinoor Got its Name.

Sounds a little like "How the Rabbit Lost its Tail" or something, doesn't it? Anyway, La Fontaine aside, it goes like this:

The Kohinoor is easily one of the most famed diamonds of the world, ranking in parallel with The Great Mogul--which, some say, is the Kohinoor itself--and the Hope Blue, and the Cullinan and the Jonker.

One of the sad truths of this famous stone is that although its name has become a synonym for the quintessence of beauty and worth, it is neither. It is not the largest of diamonds; it is not the most brilliant; it does not have the best color. Fact is, it has a tinge of gray in it. Ah, but as a gem of adventure and crime and torture, it ranks supreme. Listen to me my friends, and I'll tell you a tale of a stone of renown. And I'll tell you a little more than just how it got its name.

Back we go...it's four thousand years ago. A river runs through South India, and a large diamond is found. For a while, this great diamond's history recedes past the vanishing point in the mists of time, till suddenly, one day, it reappears in the possession of one of the Rajahs of Malwar...till...as happens to Rajahs upon occasion, the old lad loses his throne, his diamond, and recorded history steps in and takes over...and from here on in folks, it's all fact. That's what we deal with here. The facts. Nuthin' but the facts.

War! India is invaded, and it ain't the British...yet. It's Sultan Baber himself, founder of the Mogul Empire. He takes over a town called Agra. Now Baber's son holds all the inhabitants captive, but treats them well. So what do these captives do?... Aw heck folks...they do what any decent captive would do. They give him gifts up the kazoo...including our famous diamond. And son, benevolent soul that he is...he gives the diamond to Dad...and everyone's happy as a Hindu on the Ganges.

Well now...wars come and go...eons drift through time as eons are wont to do...till one day, somewhere around 1739, Nadir Shah, mighty Persian conqueror, captures the Mogul Capital. By this time, some guy by the name of Mohammed owns the stone--don't ask me how he got it cuz I don't know--but I do know that Nadir really wants it. Hey, this is a famous rock, pal. But he can't find it. He knows it's around...somewhere ...but where?

It was supposed to be set as an eye in one of the peacocks forming the famous peacock throne. But no dice...er...make that no eye. Fact is, Mr. Peacock...being minus one eye...surely did not fare well in the affections of Ms. Peahen..throne or no throne. Anyway, Nadir questions Mohammed and says hey, where's that diamond at bud? But Mohammed just shrugs and says how the hell should I know? Or something like that.

Well, you realize...things haven't changed that much since then. In any part of the world, in any point in time, wherever you find a Harem you'll surely find a bunch of women. And women have been known, upon occasion, to talk. As you might have expected, one of the Harem-ites told Nadir where Mohammed had the diamond hidden. In the old folds of his turban, you Persian stud, she said, tickling his ear and twirling her finger through his mustache. Hey, she knew on which side her rice was curried...and she knew how to speak to the famous conqueror, Nadir. They were surely having a little tete-a-tete together and she probably felt secure enough in her relation with him to just to show him she loved him more than she loved Mohammed and never mind who's harem she belonged to...lover.

Well, Nadir had a plan. In those days they never used the obvious when the devious could work as well. It was a cultural thing..definitely. So what does Nadir do? He professes great friendship toward Mohammed...so great in fact that he's willing, strictly out of amity, to restore to him his kingdom. Now that, folks, is a friend.

Oh...the pomp and ceremony that ensued. You can't imagine. Sword swallowers and snake charmers and flimsy-robed dancers. Fire-eaters and fakirs and hot ember-walkers too. Oh...the joy. They were having a blast. The music was outstanding. Hey...said Nadir to Mohammed in a moment of gushing love and warmth and affection for his fellow man. Hey ...as a token of the feelings we now have for one another, whaddya say we exchange turbans? Now this was in public, and Mohammed didn't have the you-know-what to refuse. So exchange they did, much to Mohammed's agony...at which point Nadir makes a mad dash to his tent where he unwinds his priceless token of friendship.

Out from the folds of the turban rolls the great diamond, sparkling and blazing away. And it's here folks, at this very instant in time, that our diamond got its name. Nadir was enraptured. Had he been an American, he might have said Holy Smokes...or Holy Moly...or Holy *&^$%...and today the diamond would be called The Holy Smoke...or The Holy Moly...or The...oh, never mind. But instead Nadir said, "Kohinoor", which means...Mountain of Light. And that's how the Kohinoor got its name.

Quick parenthetical note. A little something to titillate...to let you know some more...to round out your education so to speak. I know you wouldn't want me to leave this out. The Kohinoor did not bring Nadir any luck. He was murdered. And his son, Shah Ruhk inherited Daddy's wealth. Loved that stone, he did. Showed it to everyone. Made some of them...one of them...jealous.

Aga Mohammed was his name...and he just had to have the stone. Whatever it took...that's what he'd do. First he threatens Shah Ruhk with torture. But no go. So Aga has Ruck's head surrounded by a frame of plaster--picture if you will a large kettle with a hole in the bottom to accommodate Ruhk's head. He has Ruhk's head shaved...and when everything is in place...he pours boiling oil in the receptacle...frying--so to speak--Ruhk's brains out. Yuck! But to Ruhk's credit--I think--he said nary a word and divulged nothing. He kept the diamond and Aga got zilch...though rumor has it that Ruhk was never quite the same after that.

I won't bore you with all the adventures of the Kohinoor. Suffice to say the English eventually got hold of it, re-cut it, and put it away safely in the Tower of London. This is as of the middle 1900's. Where is it today, you ask? Probably still in the tower...waiting waiting for some Rajah to come along...and claim it as his due.

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