How shall I wear thee...let me count the ways.

Let us go back now...to the thrilling days of yesteryear...the sixteenth century to be exact...when what you wore and which digit you wore it on had more meaning than today's modern man might imagine.

And so...let us start with this. You have five fingers upon which to wear that ring you bought the other day from your favorite jeweler. Question is...what finger do you wear it on. These are clearly the dilemmas we face in our everyday lives...and we need to solve them. So...your thumb perhaps? Well, yeah, sure, why not...if you happen to either be a doctor or want to represent yourself as one. Because if you want to go by the standards set by those who set standards... commonly know as the setters of standards back in the 1500's, then wearing a ring on your thumb denoted you to one and all as a medical practitioner. Nothing seems to be said as to whether or not the type of ring you wear, or the stone which is set into the ring, will let the world know whether your a resident or a full fledged practitioner. I have to believe that's what they invented diplomas for. Still, perhaps we who are forging toward the 21st century, might re-invent the meaning of stones. Let's say an emerald for an opthamologist, and a diamond for a brain surgeon. And let's set down a law while we're at it, no lying about your thumb ring.

But now...what about a ring on your index finger? It's a legitimate question. What does it mean, if you wear a ring on your index finger? It means you're a merchant. You like to sell stuff. You've got a store front, or a booth at the local flea market. Or you're an itinerant salesman, hawking your wares. I suppose there are those who would say heck, wear a ring on your index finger, and you're denoted as a proctologist. But I say nay, let's leave that for a thumb variation.

And let's get on to the middle finger. What does it mean if you wear a ring on your middle finger. No leering now. Well...among other things...back in them thar day...it meant you were a fool. Yup. A fool, an idiot, a dolt, a clod, a dodo, a dupe, a booby, in fact, a moron of the first degree. Well...they don't give it these last few epithets. I just throw them in for illuminatory purposes. It also meant...according to ancient Hindu belief... that there was an enormous likelihood you were going to get bitten by a scorpion. And by gosh, it works I tell you. I have never worn a ring on my middle finger, and I have never been bitten by a scorpion. Aha! There you have it. Even today you don't see too many Hindus wearing rings on their middle fingers...and now you know why. Parenthetically, in ancient times, it seems, folks wore openwork gold rings in the summer in order to avoid excessive finger perspiration. I understand. They didn't have air conditioning yet, and any method that helped the cooling of ones fingers....

But now...what if you're wearing a ring on your ring finger. What does that mean? What it means, my friends, is that you're a student. You're going to college...you're going to grad school...it doesn't say what you're studying. It could be court etiquette...or plebeian slaying...or anything else...as long as you were studying it. A doctor could wear one, if he were still going to night school. So could a merchant. So could a fool, if he were studying foolishness. Actually, anybody could justify the wearing of a ring on their ring finger. And they did. And they do.

And now this little itty bitty piggy went to market and cried all the way home. We're talking pinky here folks. Why do we wear a ring on our pinky? Heh heh. Well, let conjecture here a bit first. Perhaps, when you're lifting your wine glass, you want the world to see what a sophisticate you are, as you raise your glass and your pinky all at the same time. What do you think of that? Nope. Taint that. The pinky is for lovers my friends. You wear a ring on your pinky, and you're telling the world you're involved, and you're happy that way.

So...we've covered the fingers of the hand. What's left? How about a little fact or two, not necessarily related, but still interesting? How many of you, by a show of hands, would like to know how big the emperor Maximinus of Rome was? Well, he was soooo big that it's said he used his wife's bracelet as a thumb ring. Now that...is a pretty big guy. There is some evidence to indicate that back in mediaeval times opinion had it that if you wore rings on the left hand, they were for adornment purposes only, whereas the right hand was reserved for marriage rings. Don't know if it works that way today...I just know it did then.

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